Wedding!

I was married on August 5, 2006 in Pervomaisk, Ukraine. I am an American former Peace Corps Volunteer, and now I am a “tourist” living with my husband, Sasha, and working a few hours a week as an English tutor. Sasha is a first lieutenant in the Militsia, or Police Department. This is the story of my wedding.

How did we meet?

Sasha and I met “through friends.” Which means: I came to my town in Ukraine in January 2004 as a TEFL volunteer. That spring James came as a business volunteer. As he settled in, he decided to put an ad in the newspaper he was affiliated with “SveSvit” that he was starting an English club. Only a few people responded, one of which was Dima. Dima began to hang out with Jim. Sometimes they would stop by my apartment that summer and fall, and I sometimes went to hang out. But often it was late in the evening and I was content with my peaceful, single, English-teaching life. I was on a path of self-improvement/self-enlightenment. Reading great literature, drawing, studying Russian, etc. Dima thought I was boring.

Dima worked at the cookie factory as a distributor. Through his work he met Vitalyk, who baked cookies. New Year’s Eve 2004-2005 Vitalyk had a New Year’s party at his house. He invited Dima and the Americans. Jim and Robin, another TEFL volunteer that arrived with me, went to the party, where they met Vitalyk and his best friend Sasha.

Sasha thought it was interesting to meet these Americans, and over the holidays they met again. Gina arrived as a new TEFL volunteer at this time. She was young, blonde, and liked to have a good time, so the “group” began to hang out. I was in America for the holidays.

After I returned mid-January, I met Gina and we began to hang out occasionally. One day she was at my house chatting and her mobile phone rang—Sasha and Vitalyk were calling to invite her for tea. She mentioned that she was at my house, and they invited us both out. The two of us met Sasha and Vitalyk, first for tea, then for shashlyk, BBQ or shish kebabs, at Sasha’s house (which as it turned out was made from nutria, commonly known as river rat, which his father raises), then for dancing. It was a great day—we met at 4 in the afternoon and made it home at 2 am.

After we all met, we occasionally met up for coffee. I knew immediately that Vitalyk wasn’t for me, and I was drawn to Sasha. He was cute and funny. .. And somehow with my bad Russian, he was patient, spoke with me, and we understood each other. After a few meetings, there was defiantly chemistry, but we were never alone.

Finally, Sasha came over one day to show me a film he had just made. I took advantage of the situation, and by the end of the evening, he was my “boyfriend.”


Sasha and I when we first met.

10 or so months passed. My Peace Corps contract ended, and I packed up and left for America. We left things uncertain—promises to call, write, and I promised to come back, sometime. We were still together, but I needed perspective, to figure out what was next.

After one month of torture, I bought a ticket back to Ukraine. At the end of the next month, I got on a plane (which was its own ordeal) and returned to my love in Pervomaisk. He met me at the airport in Kyiv, and we have been inseparable since.

How’d he propose?

Really, he proposed hundreds of times. Over the phone it was always “return to me and make a family.” He sent me emails with “songs”—30-second clips of music with his voice over it. They were terribly romantic, and I listened to them hundreds of times. One in particular said that when I return “we may realize the first point of our life plan: first point, I want us to be forever a real, happy, inseparable family, and everything further will be really good, I feel it,” which was the most romantic wording of his proposal. However, I refused to decide things over the phone. When I returned to Ukraine, we constantly talked around the subject, and we decided to marry. But I still wanted a proposal. So one evening over dinner with friends he asked me to be his wife on the third toast—the traditional toast to love.

Somehow we set a date: August 5, and I spent the passing months getting the details together, first, documents. Go to the American Embassy for a Letter of Non-Impediment to Marriage, and then register the document at the ministry of foreign affairs. Get it all translated and notarized. Then go to our local ZAGS, or city registrar’s office, and compile the documents to take to the oblast ZAGS in Nikolaev. Then travel to Nikolaev and get permission to marry, and then finally return to our local ZAGS and file the petition to marry. Second: go to Poland and extend my 90-day passport stamp to be in Ukraine. And finally, arrange the actual wedding/reception.

Our Wedding.

Arranging our wedding was a task—I did most of the work, but my knowledge of traditions, etiquette, etc, was American. But Sasha and I found a restaurant, band, announcer, cake, etc all in time. The announcer is a uniquely Ukrainian tradition—this person keeps the party moving, and announces toasts, makes sure that traditions are met, and so on. We hoped to have a “multicultural wedding” and incorporate both Ukrainian and American traditions in the wedding, but as I did research into uniquely American traditions, I found out that we have few, and they have already been incorporated into the Ukrainian repertoire. So, we did our best to make it American, ranging from the style of my dress/bouquet to token American and Ukrainian flags on the table.

Our Wedding began at 8am. That’s when Sasha picked up the video operator to begin filming our preparations. He arrived at my place at 8:30am. I was staying at Sasha’s sister, Ruslana’s, place with my maid of honor, Vika and her mother. I woke up at about 6am to the sound of dogs barking and a single goose honking. With these loud, unusual noises and my wedding nerves, I couldn’t sleep any longer. So I got up, ate a little breakfast, and began getting ready.
I did everything myself—hair, makeup, etc. The night before I painted my nails in the style of a French manicure—white tips and sparkles. Only I know how to deal with my curls, so I spent about a half hour washing, styling, blow-drying, and finishing up my hair, complete with veil and flowers. It was a simple style, mostly down but a little up to hold the veil. Make-up was the usual cover-up, blush, white eye shadow/eyeliner to brighten my little eyes, and lots of mascara for photos.

Then I got dressed. First the hoop-skirt that goes underneath (I went for the narrowest one possible), then the dress. One tug and it’s on—you’re a bride. Then the lacing and lacing and tightening and loosening of the back laces. Every bride wants to be perfect—perfect hair, perfect skin, perfectly skinny on her day and everyone else has to make it happen. Tug the skirt, loosen the fifth lace on the left, and so on. Luckily my dress was relatively simple, and I have just enough curves to tuck ‘em in and hold the dress on (it was strapless).

One commonly known American tradition is that a bride must wear “something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue,” and I kept with that tradition. Vika, my maid of honor, was amused to see my choices. Something old—my cameo—it was my grandmother’s and my mother passed it on to me. I wanted to make sure that my family knew I was thinking of them even though they couldn’t be in Ukraine on my wedding day. Something new—dress, veil, gloves, etc. Something borrowed: Vika let me borrow her earrings—simple gold earrings with a little bit of sparkle. And finally, something blue. . . Sasha and I decided we wouldn’t throw a garter because it was a little unsavory for our wedding for him to pull it off with his teeth, so that was out. I ended up choosing a pair of tropical blue underwear I had (which made Vika giggle) and I also pinned my gold, sapphire, and pearl sorority pin (Kappa Kappa Gamma) onto my bra. I figured I had all my bases covered for luck, tradition, and fun in my life.

Then I waited. The butterflies began—and strongly. After being involved in competition and public speaking for years, I’ve almost killed my nerves. I’ve taught myself to relax, that nothing really matters, its people and living that matter, etc. But there’s nothing like the morning of your wedding, waiting for your love, to put your stomach in knots.

By American and Ukrainian tradition, the bride and groom don’t see each other the day of the wedding. Americans meet at the church, while Ukrainian grooms must buy their bride. Traditionally, the groom comes to the bride’s house with a bouquet, two loaves of bread, and his best man in tow. The best man must barter with the bride’s family for a purchase price, and admittance to her home. Sasha was against the tradition, as I am priceless, but eventually tradition won out. I was bought for two liters of gas for Max’s moped.



After the negotiating at the gate, Sasha and his friends and family came to meet me. That moment I will never forget. I saw Sasha the evening before. I lived with him for months. But coming to me in his suit, with his family, and me in my wedding dress knowing that in minutes we would be married. . it brought tears to my eyes. I could only hug him. I love him so much, and it was so amazing to realize that moment—knowing we would be husband and wife.
We held hands for a moment, and got down to business. There were ribbons to put on, vodka to drink, things to gather, and a city hall to get to. The ribbons are for the important players in the wedding: best man, maid of honor, godfather and godmother, and single boys and girls (they wore pink or blue ribbons. to show that they are available). I pinned on Sasha’s boutonniиre and he gave me my bouquet. We toasted a little, ate a little, and got into our (separate) cars to drive to the marriage ceremony.

Ukrainian marriage ceremonies are held in the civil registry office. The whole process is a holdover of the Soviet Union, when religious ceremonies were not allowed or not encouraged. It is short, but full of tradition. We entered the office, where we were greeted with bread and salt. It is a symbol of prosperity. Then we entered the hall, which is dedicated to wedding ceremonies. Wedding music was played while they asked us if we agree to marry. When I was asked, first of course, in Ukrainian, I didn’t expect it (or entirely understand). I answered with a soundless “da” and a nod of my head. I’m sure I looked like a deer in the headlights. Sasha’s answer was far more assured.

Then we stepped onto a decorative towel laid by our witnesses, the best man and maid of honor. There, we put rings on each other’s fingers. Cultural note: Slavs traditionally wear their wedding rings on their right ring finger, so that’s where I wear it now. But we have decided to wear our rings on whatever finger is culturally appropriate, for example in Hungary (where I’m going to grad school) or in the States we’ll wear it on the left. Then we came to the front table and signed the documents. Then we were led to a round step, where we stood, were given our wedding certificate, and drank champagne in our first toast as a married couple. Then we had our first dance, while our guests watched. Then we were led back to the step where the decorative towel was tied around our hands, symbolizing that we are joined together as a family. Finally, we were led to our family, where we bowed three times in gratitude and thanks.

The ceremony lasted 20 minutes or less. We then left the hall and went outside, where small children poured a “threshold” of water and Sasha carried me across it. Then it was photo time. Ukrainians usually have several hours between their wedding ceremony and reception, and they fill this time going to monuments around town having their photo taken. We were less interested in photos with monuments as getting a few pretty professional photos, having it all videotaped, and enjoying our first moments as man and wife.

Another side note: we wanted to do something unique for our wedding, for people to talk about. Sasha first suggested an airplane ride, or have a flag with congratulations flown over town or something, but then I remembered that James worked at our town advertising agency and so I asked them about a billboard. We made a deal and they made us a billboard saying “Happy Honeymoon, Sasha and Jennifer” in English and Russian. It definitely made us the talk of the town, but I figured it was a good way to let people know that we were married, as there’s no place in the newspaper or anywhere else for wedding announcements. So we went to our billboard with our friends and had our picture taken in our wedding clothing.

The reception began at one in the afternoon. We drove up and our friends and family met us outside the restaurant “Sofia.” Sasha’s mother threw grain, candy, and coins over us for luck and happiness. There, Sasha’s mother met us with our bread and salt, and then tied our hands together with the towel again. Then we were led inside to a table where our guests congratulated us with our gifts, flowers, and wishes/advice for the future. Then Sasha’s mom lit a candle symbolizing her family, and gave me a little candle symbolizing our new family. I lit my candle from hers and then Sasha and I made our way upstairs to our tables and lit our wedding candles, protecting the flame the whole time. These candles were put into our karavai, the bread we were greeted with at both city hall and outside the restaurant.

Thus, the party began. It had the usual toasts, wishes for the future, and drinks. The table was filled with all kinds of different Ukrainian dishes—stuffed fish, roast chicken, crab salad, cabbage rolls, the list goes on. Guests at Ukrainian weddings all sit at one great table, with the bride and groom, best man and maid of honor sit at the head of the table. Our table was shaped like a “T” but the shape changes depending on the hall. Ukrainians love their toasts, and at weddings, each toast is followed by all the guests shouting “gorka,” or bitter, so that the bride and groom kiss to make the alcohol sweet.



We ate and toasted, and kissed, for about an hour, and then it was downstairs for dancing and the first round of games and traditions. First, on the list: first dance. We danced to a song the band chose (that they use for all weddings) entitled, I believe, “I love you.” While we danced, guests tossed rose petals over us. Then everyone began to dance. After a while, I went outside, and some of the young male guests noticed an opportunity . . . an opportunity to steal the bride. This is an important Ukrainian tradition. I’ve heard many stories behind it, like this one from the theknot.com wedding website,

“Once upon a time, when people still traveled by horse, the bride's and the bridegroom's parties would meet on a road on the way to the wedding, and stage a game of chicken -- speeding past each other and then wheeling around to charge again. The bride's male relatives would defend her from the ensuing melee. While the two parties jousted, the groom would try to kidnap his bride. If he was unsuccessful, he would have to pay a high ransom (usually a bottle of vodka and some chocolates).”

This accounts for both traditions of buying the bride before the ceremony and the re-enactment of bridal theft during the ceremony. The idea is that the groom has a wife, but the marriage isn’t yet consummated. The best man and maid of honor must guard her throughout the wedding, and if someone manages to steal her, they must pay.

At our wedding, I was taken to the city court building next door, and the best man had to find me. When he did, I was taken back to the reception, but not returned to Sasha. Vitalyk and Vika had to participate in several games to win me back. First, Vika had to work a ball up one pant-leg of Vitalyk’s pants, and down the other. Second, Vika danced to music while Vitalyk stripped every time she moved her arms. Finally, Vika laid on some chairs and the announcer placed candy on her body. Vitalyk, blindfolded, had to find it with only his teeth.

The point of these games is to make everyone laugh, and hopefully to build sexual energy between the best man and maid of honor. It is a goal at weddings to get them to hook up—for a night or for a lifetime together. Sometimes it works, other times not. The taunting ranges from these games to the shouting of “gorka” or bitter not only to the bride an groom but also to their attendants.

The wedding continued. The guests also stole one of my shoes, which Sasha had to win back. We had to pull toothpicks from an orange and then name traits we loved about each other, and then Sasha sang a song for me. Sasha is a talented musician: he sings, plays accordion and bayan, another variant of the accordion, piano, and so on.

During the second course, there were several other important traditions. First, Sasha and I each held onto one side of our karavai and ripped it apart. The person with the larger piece would be the head of the family. We ripped it apart and stood holding identical halves—we each have even strength in our family. A good sign. Then the announcer began traditional second-day games. She had the guests bet on which child we would have first, a boy or girl. They placed money in a pair of baby pants, pink leg for a girl and blue for a boy. In our case, a girl won out by about 30 hryvnas.

So after that course, we played baby-themed games. First, we raced—who could sew a baby shirt together first. Sasha won, but it was a mess and would barely open. Mine was more accurate but took another minute or so. Typical of mothers and fathers—men are quicker but women more accurate. Then, we had to dress a baby doll like we would dress a newborn, then wrap her in a blanket, and hold her all while supporting her head. I really like that weddings aren’t just a party, but remind the bride and groom of all aspects of life—yes, you are man and wife forever, but you are also starting a new family and that has its own responsibilities.



Then, we went inside and we danced the dollar dance. In researching traditions, it was the one unique American reception tradition I could find, and it turns out that it was Polish. Again, according the theknot.com website, it was a dance to raise money for the new couple to set up their new home. It is now practiced in Midwestern states, and guests dance with the new bride and groom, but they must pay a fee of a dollar to dance. Our guests paid a couple of hryvnas to dance for a minute or so. The music continued until there were no more guests wanting to dance. I can’t say it was a complete success—the guests didn’t really know what to do at first, and the announcer didn’t entirely understand, but it was nice to have something new and American at our wedding.

Finally, we had the last round of events: first, tossing the bouquet. We all know that a bride tosses her bouquet to all the eligible girls, and the girl that catches it will be the first to marry. So it is with the Ukrainians, too. But in Ukraine, then the bride sits on the groom’s lap and he takes out her hairpins one-by-one and kisses her for each pin. After he removes her hairpiece and veil, he replaces it with a handkerchief, signaling that she is already a wife and a woman and no longer a bride. The bride then dances with the eligible girls, placing the veil and hairpiece on their heads, giving them, too, a moment of bridal beauty. And so Sasha removed my veil with many kisses (girls usually put in as many hairpins as possible to make it difficult for the groom), and then I danced with the girls at the wedding with a matronly handkerchief on my head.

Finally, there was an unexpected event, as I hadn’t heard of this tradition before. Sasha’s parents were marrying their last child off with Sasha. His sister was married over 15 years ago. So, wreaths were made for his parents’ heads and Ruslana and Vasya and Sasha and I participated in some more games. First, the two couples raced to put the wreath on our parents’ heads. Whoever was first would care for them in their old age. I don’t know who actually got there first, but the point is taken. Again, weddings remind you of all your responsibilities to your family. Then we danced with our parents, rotating partners so that everyone danced with everyone else. Then, Sasha dedicated a song to his parents while they danced.

Finally, we went back to the tables and ate cake and cut the karavai and handed it out to our guests. We then thanked our guests for coming and called it a night. We got a ride back home and stayed in our little house (Sasha and I live in the “summer kitchen,” or smaller house, in his family’s yard).

Church Wedding

The next day Sasha and I got up, took off our rings, and got dressed in our bridal gear again. Sunday was our church ceremony. It is required in Ukraine to have a civil ceremony to be officially married, and some couples opt to also be married in the church. When Sasha and I decided to marry, we also decided that we wanted to be completely married—by law and by God. So, I was baptized in May as Russian Orthodox, and we made arrangements to be married in the church.

My baptism was interesting in itself. We chose godparents—Sasha’s sister Ruslana and her husband (who have a common law marriage) Vasya—and went to the church. There, we had to decide how exactly to baptize me. I am adult and foreign, with a foreign name and background. So the priest decided to look at my birth date and choose a baptismal name. After reading several names, we all decided on Maria.

I was also married as Maria on September 6. We came to the church at 12pm, where the priest greeted us. First, we were “betrothed.” The priest prayed for us, and a hidden choir sang for us. Then he blessed our rings and he placed them halfway onto our right ring fingers. Then Vika and Max (Sasha’s nephew, as Vitalyk got drunk at the wedding and didn’t make it to our church ceremony) passed the rings between us three times.

Then we were given lit candles to hold for the remainder of the ceremony. This symbolizes our devotion and openness to receive God’s blessings. Then the priest joined our right hands together with a decorative towel while he prayed for us. We remained together for the rest of the ceremony to symbolize that with marriage we become “one whole.”

The next part of the ceremony is the marriage itself. In the Russian Orthodox Church, decorated crowns are held over the head of the bride and groom and held by their attendants (Vika and Max). Wearing the crowns, the bride and groom are crowned husband and wife. The priest prayed for us and then they were passed between us three times. Then we drank wine from one cup. First Sasha took three drinks, and then I drank three. The wine must be finished, so I had a very long third drink, as Sasha left the majority of the wine to me.

The Orthodox Church has a great emphasis on the number three, as in Father, Son and Holy Ghost. But in the marriage ceremony, this number also symbolizes that a couple must share everything. We shared our rings, our crowns, our wine, our sorrow, our joy. We are one together. This is something we took to heart. His ring is my ring. His problems are my problems, and so on. Whether we are religious in the future or not, we will always remember this guidance.

Finally, the priest led us around the altar with our attendants and crowns three times. When we reached the back altar, we bowed to the cross, again symbolizing our devotion and oneness. In this act, we were taking our first steps as a married couple. Finally, the crowns are removed and the priest brings us to the altar. There, he congratulates us with our marriage, gives us our icons of the Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ, and asks our guests to come and congratulate us.



After this hour-long ceremony (all standing, in Orthodox Churches there are no pews), we went home, changed, and had a barbeque wit our guests. Thus ended our wedding weekend.